The level of criticism could skin you, but still, because science is truth, you fight.
There comes a point in everyone’s life where you just want to stop, just stop fighting. Especially when you’re not sure what else to fight for. What is the meaning of a paper once you have achieved 7-20 first authored papers? Should you now fight to reach 300 last author ones? What does it mean? Have you really contributed to science or to just your ego? The very nature of going through the hardships of a PhD meant that our egos are not quite intact. We love the work, we love the hardship, but we don’t do it just for ourselves. We did it for the greater part of life, humanity and all the kakamainy ideas we had about life before they put the Dr. in front of our names. Now into the second postdoc, I wonder why am I fighting.
If you are like anyone else outside of the natural science PhD area, you think, well surely it all comes together now. Why should you be fighting anymore? You've got it made.
“For someone of this age, your CV is not spectacular.”
Well, no, you still have to fight for grants, fight to be the first to publish something ingenious while publishing things that may only increase the citation list of another paper. But you have no choice because even if you know you are great, even if you don’t have those 300 papers to your name by the time you are 35, a referee for a grant will say, “for someone of this age, your CV is not spectacular.” That actually happened, I was only 30 and I just applied for my first grant and missed it by 2%. Now I think you can see where my questions stem from. Am I fighting for my ego or for someone else’s ability to tell me I am great? I was already on the brink of tears and confusion and then this happened. Now I get to see a few newly published papers showing my idea in one shape or form and I get to know that my grant proposal was right with the science. But as a 30-year-old coming from Guyana to here at one of the best schools in the world, my CV was not spectacular. I am not the best, and I will never be, but being ‘not the best’ doesn’t mean I cannot contribute to science. I have to remind myself of this every day. So I get up, I meditate, and I go into the lab and fight. One experiment at a time. Because although I might get told I am not great, I am not special, I already know that. I am not in science to feed my ego. I am here because it provides my life with meaning. So I will fight. Research is my love, which means if I love it as much as I love myself, I will fight to maintain its integrity.
So that is my everyday. But I am also fighting for balance, so I try to get out and surf. Now balance means mental and literal because I have none. Surfing is what balances my life. Every time I put on a wetsuit and look out into the sea I remember that I am part of something bigger than me. I am not special in this way and I don’t care to be. I just want to jump on a board and give the wave the respect it deserves. Hopefully, at some point, she will notice this and I will achieve the balance seen in riding a wave.
First written September 29th, 2017