EU rejection, I said no more and headed back to California.
I couldn’t believe I was that unhappy. When I was wading through the quagmire of a PhD, all I had to keep me going was the thought I would finally be in London working for one of the best people in the world.
I got there, and because I put myself through the shits, adapting to take more pain rather than being open to the signs, I was rendered useless when I got to London. I would have dragged myself through my unhappiness to perform in this lab. It was my plan after all.
So I made more plans on how I would take 2 months out to just surf. I convinced myself that if I continued surfing it would give me the energy to continue in academia, to continue in London. London isn’t too bad, I can take a flight to Lisbon/Spain/ and surf every weekend, just check my bank account. However, when I would finish a session, I lose something when I return to land and it hangs over my head once I am back in the lab. That is the thing about surfing, the ocean never accepts lies.
Monday lunchtime, I am sitting in our group meeting, staring at a vibrational spectra interpreting the peaks that didn't show up in collagen samples, and then I look at my email... we regret to inform you...
“That is the thing about surfing, the ocean never accepts lies.”
I dropped my phone, everything was blurred, the world went quiet. I felt like someone made me swallow an acme cartoon bomb. I closed my phone, put air into my lungs, and everything went clear. It took all my strength to not leave that meeting. I looked over to my Prof, who I so desperately wanted to work for and be, my eyes diffract. I am breaking up with science. I felt my whole world change in that one second, I was in mourning, something in my soul left for good. It was the lie I told myself. I had no more questions or comments in the meeting.
A week later I’m in my Prof’s office and I’m crying uncontrollably. I had no idea where this emotion was coming from. She has comforting words as she saw all my pains this year. I knew that I was unhappy but now, now I am free to be who I really want to be. No more caged policies of how I should do science, no more unrealistic expectations, no more rewards for being able to leave my family and work in random places. Yet, it is the end of who I thought I was and who I tried to convince myself I could be. And I grieved that girl-the lie.
I have no plan. I have a family and a yearning to surf every day. I need to be free in expressing who I am really meant to be. The ocean accepts me only when I am honest. When she lets me surf her waves, she reminds me that there is power in being free and true.
Last night I dreamt I was on my favourite break alone. I dreamt I was calm and I was complete. I was far from the lab, far from the expectations to publish, far from an ego, and far from land.
As a friend said, "I’m not a man with a plan, I am a woman without a plan."
Written February 15th, 2018